


Switching Realities

by jb_slasher



Category: X-Men (Movies), X-Men RPF
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2003-08-23
Updated: 2003-08-23
Packaged: 2017-10-25 18:27:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,467
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/273386
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jb_slasher/pseuds/jb_slasher
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>St. John Allerdyce loses his sense of reality. Aaron Stanford can't snap out of it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Switching Realities

St. John doesn't want this. He hates this.

Not because he has all the luxuries: his own room, a TV, a computer, a DVD player and a DVD collection to match.

Not because they give him an allowance once a week, which he can use however the hell he wants.

Not because Mystique hates him.

Not because Erik flirts with him frequently.

St. John hates this because there is no Bobby, although he knows Bobby's presence wouldn't change a thing, not anymore. It would still feel the same, now that Marie is there. But if it wasn't for Marie, a whole lot of things wouldn't have happened. St. John would never have left and he would still be sleeping with Bobby, in Bobby's bed, in Bobby's arms. He wants to blame Bobby, but he can't, so instead, he blames Marie for everything. It's easier than to blame the one you love most in the whole world.

Every night St. John wakes up in damp sheets and sweaty boxers. His dreams aren't really nightmares, not in a conventional sense. They are nightmares to him because, in the end, he is the bad guy who only gets what he deserves.

One of his nightmares always starts in the good old times in St. John's memories, with St. John and Bobby spooning in Bobby's bed. At times, they are fresh from the shower, at others, sweaty from having sex. St. John feels safe; he loves Bobby's kisses on his neck, Bobby's skin against his, Bobby's strong hands around him, the scent of the two of them combined. He never wants to leave that place, but he never gets to stay.

But the scene changes, and there's no way St. John can stop it. A classroom; sometimes Xavier's, sometimes Ms. Munroe's. St. John's sitting next to Bobby. He's looking at Bobby, and Bobby's staring at Marie. Bobby isn't looking, he's obviously staring. This bothers St. John and every time he tries to get Bobby to look at him. He taps a rhythm on the table. Flicks his lighter. Takes Bobby's books and shoves them into his own backpack. Every once in a while, he even puts his hand on Bobby's cock and rubs it through Bobby's jeans, whispering dirty words into Bobby's ear. Nothing ever works, and Bobby just keeps staring at Marie. Sometimes St. John wakes up at this stage already, choking in his sobs and shedding hot tears that won't stop for a good few moments. But only sometimes.

The scene changes again. St. John sees Bobby and Marie kissing; outside on the lawn, in the hallway, on the stairs, on the couch in the TV room. Everywhere he looks he sees them kissing and hears his heart break into pieces. He wants to close his eyes, but he can't even blink, like there's something keeping his eyes wide open to torture him with the sight of them.

The scene changes for the final time. A war has broken between Xavier and Magneto. Mutants are fighting each other. St. John is killing other mutants like he has no free will. St. John confronts Bobby and Marie, Iceman and Rogue. St. John freezes, every time, at his own accord. Bobby never recognizes him until it's too late. And Marie smiles, when Bobby runs to the frozen body. St. John can always see Marie's smile and Bobby's shocked eyes. Not through dead eyes, but from the outside, from an outsider's perspective.

But St. John never sees love in Bobby's eyes. That's what makes him wake up in the middle of the night, covered in sweat, trying to choke back the tears, trying to swallow the fear of realization that those loveless eyes cause; that Bobby doesn't love him and never has.

Tonight is no different from the others. His sheets are damp, his boxers are soaked with sweat, and the tears are there. St. John walks downstairs. The house is quiet. He heads for the kitchen. A cold Pepsi.. Yeah, that'll cool him down. He picks up a bottle from the refrigerator, pops off the cap and lets the cold liquid slide down his throat. He realizes it reminds him of Bobby, Bobby's cool, sometimes even pleasantly icy kisses. The bottle falls from his hand and falls to the floor, shattering. The coolness has reached every part of his body. He slides down to sit on the floor among fragments of glass, again holding back tears. It isn't the thought of Bobby that triggers the fear the second time, it's another realization: not that his nightmares have haunted him for a long time, but that they started back at Xavier's school, shortly after Bobby had hooked up with Marie. And for the first time ever, he considers using his ability for causing death: burning down the house, taking him, Erik and Mystique with it.

St. John doesn't realize that the night never ends. That there are no days and it's the same dream over and over again, always unhappy, always causing the fear.

_____

He is no longer a part of this reality. He has created one of his own, becoming the St. John, the Pyro of that reality. His delusions have him mumbling something about a war that involves all mutants, detected or undetected, young or old. _There are no real mutants, how could there be a war involving every single one?_

Real life is not a fucking movie, even if Shawn feels like this is a bad adaptation of 'Terminator 2' predicting 'Terminator 3'. Aaron really is delusional, and Shawn is staring at him from behind the glass. He can't hear Aaron, but the doctors have explained Aaron's.. condition to him. He wants to go to Aaron, but the doctors say it would just feed his delusions, since Aaron would simply take Shawn as Bobby. Aaron's, or St. John's, feelings for Bobby have been interpreted as very contradictory, thus making it impossible to predict how Aaron would react to Shawn. Shawn could care less of what the doctors say; this is his lover they're talking about, and if Aaron wouldn't recognize him, he might as well be dead.

Suddenly there's a scream. Shawn can't hear it, but he sees the doctor flinch back from Aaron. Aaron's mouth is open and forming words.

 _He's gonna freeze me! He's gonna freeze me to death and I can't burn him! I can't!_

Shawn sees the doctor turn his head and look straight through the mirror, at him. The screaming has obviously something to do with Shawn, or Bobby.

 _No, don't you smile! Stop fucking smiling! Marie, goddammit!_

The doctor looks surprised. He steps out of the room and Shawn rushes to him.

"What is it?"

"He's shouting something about freezing and burning and.. who is Marie?"

Shawn looks like he's pondering and the doctor walks away. After he disappears from Shawn's view, Shawn walks back to the glass and looks at Aaron. Freezing.. Iceman. Burning.. Pyro. Marie.. Rogue. He understands that it's about them, but he doesn't understand it like Aaron does. He doesn't see the real connection, except between Bobby and Marie, and Bobby and St. John, but not between the three of them.

Shawn's thoughts drift to the movie and the things he and Aaron did on the set. In the movie, Bobby was with Marie, and on the set, they joked about St. John being jealous. Had it transferred to Aaron's reality? That St. John was jealous and thinking Bobby would betray him because of Marie? It doesn't make sense to Shawn. Their jokes were about how St. John had fallen for Bobby, not Marie. That's why he left with Magneto at the end: because there was nothing waiting for him at Xavier's school for the Gifted. Because Bobby wasn't there for him. Because he felt betrayed and alone - out of place - because Bobby hadn't come with him, hadn't left Marie and the X-Jet.

Shawn has an idea of what Aaron might be going through in his reality, and he wants to rescue Aaron now that he thinks he knows what is causing his - he swallows at the word - condition. All the pictures of him and Anna together. It wouldn't happen again [unless they signed up for X3]. He would forbid it from happening again.

There are no real guarantees this will work, he can only hope it will. He sees no doctors, the key hangs forgotten on the door [how convenient], and he walks fast. He opens the door, grabs the keys and locks the door from the inside. Slowly, Shawn turns around to face Aaron.

"You?"

The voice from the corner tells nothing, Shawn can hardly tell it's a question.

"Yeah." Just so he has something to say. "Me." Just so he has something to hope for.


End file.
